Lone Wolf and No Cub

I rather enjoy convincing other people to follow me on my Don Quixote-esque quests. There's something to be mined there, I think.

The thought occurred to me today that I'm still a bit haunted by my previous associations with being a part of theatres and having it end negatively. I am wondering if the residual effects of this pervade through me or in spite of me. Maybe I'm just sensitive and paranoid.

Related note: I had a bad audition on Sunday- got the rejection email today (fully expected, of course). It wasn't even so much me as the director that threw me. I don't really know if he was listening- I clearly stated that 2 monologues were being done. I performed the comedic one well enough, and then made a clear shift into the "dramatic" one, and spoke the first line. The director guffawed and then said "good, good" as if (from my perception) to end the audition. I glanced at him, and continued on. Upon completing my minute monologue, he leaped out of his chair saying "thank you" and quickly escorted me to the door. Of course, I knew it was over and done before it was over and done. Jerk. I've auditioned for about once a year on average since 2000, and I've given him average to excellent auditions. I felt like the whole experience was diminished by the fact that he seemed to make his mind up about me (or has made up his mind up about me years ago) before the audition began. There are several directors like this in town who I think feel this way.

That bothers me well enough, but I can deal as I really have no tie to them. But when people I know seem to have a similar manner, or "dis-ease", about my talent or projects I undertake, then it gets me all weirded out. As if there's some undelivered communication. Perhaps it's because I take my art pretty personally despite the apparent sillyness or vaguery it can portend. It's a part of me, and when that part is rejected, well then... ugh. There's weirdness.

So, I guess what I'm babbling on about is this: I am trying to embrace my own thing, and trying to be cool with those that may not dig it. And I can't see a time when I will collaborate again with anyone producing something. Never say never, but I owe myself an identity and comfort within that existence and association.

Starlight, starbright...

Why can't I have everything in real life play out the way it does in my head? I know I'm the only one with this conundrum. I like the word "conundrum". And "deplorable".

Fringe elements

So I'm taking charge of another theatre project, and it feels pretty good. I feel like I'm getting a grasp on things I need to prepare, getting a few actors I like interested in the script, etc. I've found that I get things done when I'm sneaking in blocking notes while I should be color-coding invoices to be filed away at my temp job. Two of three sections done and blocked in the last few days. Me likey.

But the ghosts of doubt come back every once in a while. I seem to like to remind myself of the last time I directed, and how I became vulnerable and allowed my integrity to nearly snap in half because of someone else's ill-founded notions of my leadership capabilities. Hypocritical arguments made to my face and behind my back. Just real violations of trust that brought out the worst in how I handle situations. It's the second time something like that happened to me- almost the exact same scenario, and I almost let it take me down again. I think I directed in the wrong place at the wrong time; devoting myself to a company that was doomed from the get go- something that wasn't going to grow and mature into something tangible and dynamic. It's still disappointing to me, almost 2 years later. Agreements from day one were broken at the drop of a hat.

In any case, I've become even more careful about who I work with and who I put my trust in. I can't allow for a slip like that again. Granted, I've learned alot from those experiences, but I'll be damned if I'll continue to learn like that.