So I'm taking charge of another theatre project, and it feels pretty good. I feel like I'm getting a grasp on things I need to prepare, getting a few actors I like interested in the script, etc. I've found that I get things done when I'm sneaking in blocking notes while I should be color-coding invoices to be filed away at my temp job. Two of three sections done and blocked in the last few days. Me likey.
But the ghosts of doubt come back every once in a while. I seem to like to remind myself of the last time I directed, and how I became vulnerable and allowed my integrity to nearly snap in half because of someone else's ill-founded notions of my leadership capabilities. Hypocritical arguments made to my face and behind my back. Just real violations of trust that brought out the worst in how I handle situations. It's the second time something like that happened to me- almost the exact same scenario, and I almost let it take me down again. I think I directed in the wrong place at the wrong time; devoting myself to a company that was doomed from the get go- something that wasn't going to grow and mature into something tangible and dynamic. It's still disappointing to me, almost 2 years later. Agreements from day one were broken at the drop of a hat.
In any case, I've become even more careful about who I work with and who I put my trust in. I can't allow for a slip like that again. Granted, I've learned alot from those experiences, but I'll be damned if I'll continue to learn like that.
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