As I often do, I have a serious, out-loud conversations with myself on a frequent basis (so you know this post will be filed under "Mad Man's Mutterings").
Yesterday, my temp job supervisor pulled me into his office and laid down what was going on. The long and short of it was that I'd have to be going in the next few weeks, as the unionized county employee has definitely returned for good, and that there is no real heavy work for me to do as a result. Fine. But, he was very complimentary for my attitude and work ethic (hah!), and I returned the favor by thanking him for his flexibility with my matinees as of late. One of the other employees in the office was looking at a possible promotion into another department, however, but perhaps not until July. He wondered if I'd be interested in taking over as Executive Assistant if it worked out.
Hm.
Immediately, my stomach sunk deeper into my gut as the "don't sell-out for the man" actor instincts kicked in, but I said "yes, I'd definitely think about it, circumstances pending".
The ten-minute walk to my car was quite revealing after work. Slightly gloomy day, but my talking-out-loud started as I reflected on the pros and cons of possibly accepting a permanent job:
If I were to be a permanent employee there, I'd have the flexibility I do now, paid time off, health and dental, and a steady paycheck. While not an arts organization, the office has friendly people supportive of my current endeavors. This town is tough enough to make a decent living as an actor/artist, and I've had made it work by now if I was really that serious about it. I am not single and living in an apartment with 4 other roomates splitting the rent with no other expenses to complicate my life. I have responsibilities and things I want, like a townhome and new car.
So why fight it? Does it mean I've given up on the dream? No, not at all. This might be the gift I've been looking for while I pursue my craft and rebuild my reputation. Other prominent theatre folks have dayjobs, so why pretend to be anything other than that right now.
If I go Equity, and there's always that chance, then responsibilites change. But for now, why not do the kind of work I want to do and not beat myself up about whether or not I am making a living acting (I mean, I am getting paid a good amount for my current project)? Does this sound like I am convincing myself of something? Maybe, but there feels like a weight has been lifted in a sense thinking about it and writing about it.
Well, nothing is set, and I may struggle for a little bit longer, but I realize that most actors in this town (good actors, by the way) are in the exact same boat as me. They work a day job and finagle some time off over lunch break to audition for a commercial they will probably not get. But they keep on keepin' on.
Meanwhile, I have 2, perhaps 3, auditions this weekend in between shows on Saturday for projects and people that interest me enough to work on them. Backstage during a matinee last week I had the urge to make a bunraku puppet and to start pursuing that artform again. It's been awhile, but I think it might open something up for me again. I've been entertaining the foolish notion of starting my own theatre company. What that looks like I don't rightly know, but unlike my last affiliation, I'd want it to be more fulfilling than demeaning.
It's all good.
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